


Skin on skin Summer Rush

by Nikipa



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Camping, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M, Marauders, Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), POV Remus Lupin, Past Child Abuse, Possible Character Death, Summer, Sun & Light, Young Marauders, Youth, angst and angst, but also a bit of happiness, lily loves james!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:48:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21537718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikipa/pseuds/Nikipa
Summary: "If Remus could choose his last thought, the one last thing he'd feel before dying, he would choose memories from that summer. He'd choose the warmth of Sirius' lips on his. The ugly laugh of Lily, laughing at a bad joke James made. The sound of Peter's camera, capturing those moments, freezing them, making them believe it would last forever."
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 33





	Skin on skin Summer Rush

**Author's Note:**

> (Title from Shadow and a Dancer by The Fray)
> 
> I just wanted to write about Wolfstar for so long and I didn't expect it to turn out so ... Sad idk  
> (It's more marauders centered)
> 
> Please feel free to correct any mistake you find, English isn't my first language.

If Remus Lupin had to find the exact time he fell in love with Sirius Black, he wouldn't be able to. Because he realized he was in love so long after he actually fell. It took him endless conversations with an exasperated Lily, trying to convince him _to open his bloody eyes_ , and several disapproval looks from a way too quiet Peter who always seemed to know too many things, to realize, he _might_ be in love with his best friend. 

If Remus had to say why he fell in love with Sirius Black, that would require him a powerpoint and many binders because there were so many reasons. There was the way Sirius shined, like a ball of sunrise, like the damn star he was named after. The way he irradiated his world, even on the coldest days, as sappy as it sounded. Sirius was as hot as the Sun, as dangerous and as explosive. And Remus knew better than getting too close and take the risk to burn himself.

There was the way Sirius loved, as if he had the need to share all the love he never received. You might think a child who bearly had love from his own family wouldn't be able to love growing up, but Sirius loved like he did everything else: entierly, completely, almost too much. 

There was the way Sirius looked at him, with those perfect grey eyes, sparkling like the rest of him. He looked at him like he existed, like he cared. Like he understood him when he couldn't even understand himself. He looked at him with mesmerizing eyes, whispering many words Remus couldn't catch. Most important: he looked at him like he accepted him. And that meant everything.

If Remus had to find the time everything started, he'd say it was the summer before their last year. The summer they were seventeen and reckless. The summer they decided they were young and they should take advantage of it. The summer Sirius finally ran away from home. The summer the Potters welcomed him as their own son. The summer James decided they should all celebrate. The summer Sirius looked so free, so relieved, as if he had been carrying a burden all these years and it was finally gone. The Summer Sirius looked like he had never been so happy. The Summer Remus knew it was too late for him. The Summer Remus knew he was fallen, so damn far, so deep. The Summer Remus knew he had no way back, it was too late.

*

They went camping because James decided they should and, what James said, they did. Remus tried to escape the trip but Sirius' puppy eyes, begging him to come, bearly left him a chance. He ignored the smile Lily gave him as Sirius pulled him into a thank-you hug. Some things, especially when they concerned a black-haired man, were better left unthought. Both James and Sirius sang during the entire car trip, making Lily nearly lose her mind and, somehow, Remus already knew he was glad he came.

But, of course, luck was never on his side and, of course, he had to share his tent with Sirius. James wouldn't let Lily sleep without him and, as much as she pretended to be annoyed, she didn't protest enough. It saved him from Peter's snorts and, perhaps, Remus should have been thankful. Then, he thought about what it meant to share a tent with Sirius. It meant sleeping next to him, way too close. Close enough to feel any of his moves. Close enough to be able to memorize every hint of his perfume, as if he didn't already know all of that. Obviously, this couldn't be a good idea. He wasn't that thankful anymore. But Sirius seemed happy about that decision then, again, he seemed happy about everything those days. 

“That's so great, Rem!” he said, “You'll be able to read me bedtime stories. I hope you had some of those in all the books you brought.”

“I guess I can find something...” Remus answered, blushing at the idea of reading his favorite stories to a tired Sirius, laying by his side. This really wasn't a good idea.

James decided he'd be the one to put the tents up in order to impress his newest girlfriend. Peter, as the good soul he was, tried his best to help him but failed miserably. Sirius, as the selfish prat he pretended to be, sat in the grass, and made sarcastic comments during the whole process. Remus and Lily just looked at each other, not knowing whether they wanted to laugh or cry. 

In the afternoon, Remus was sitting with Lily, both reading, bathing in the sun. Well, Lily was reading and Remus was trying to tear his gaze away from the young god laughing out loud in front of them. And by young god, he obviously, sadly, meant Sirius. He just came back from a swim with James and Remus thought it should be illegal to look that good. His dark hair was still wet which made them curl even more. He was still shirtless and Remus used all of his self-control not to groan at the view.

"Remus..." Lily's voice dragged him out of his contemplation, "you need to stop doing that." She said softly, lifting her head from her open book.

Remus frowned "Doing what?" 

"That." She repeated, gesturing at Sirius as if it meant something. 

He felt his cheeks burn. "I'm not doing anything”, he defended himself.

"Yeah", she conceded, " and maybe that's the problem." 

She bookmarked her book, patted his shoulder and stoop up to kiss her smug boyfriend. Remus' mouth automatically curled up to a soft smile. He was so happy for his friends. They were the incarnation of what Remus thought being seventeen meant. Loud, free, ecstatic and in love. He went back to his book with this smile still stuck on his face.

"What are you doing?" 

Remus lifted his head from his book, trying not to grin or blush or both at the view. "Why do I look like I'm doing, Sirius?"

"Do we really want me to answer that?" he teased with his eternal grin.

Remus rolled his eyes. “Shut up. I'm reading.”

“And what are you reading my dear Remus? Boring stuff as always I guess.”

“Poetry.”

“Poetry?”

“Rimbaud.”

Sirius took the book from his hands before he even got the chance to protest. He read a few lines and shook his head.

“It's in English.” He stated, disappointed.

“Well, we can't all read french, you know.” Remus pointed and he wasn't sure he was allowed to joke about Sirius' strict education but it was too late to care.

“I said I could teach you, Rem, if you want to read them in French.” Sirius offered as Remus blushed.

Another very wrong idea, that one. The idea of Sirius speaking french, reading french poetry, it was too much for Remus to handle.

“Thank you but I'm fine.” He obviously wasn't but there wasn't much he could say.

Sirius, who obviously hadn't notice of red Remus' cheeks were cause he still had he damn shirt off, sat down next to him.

“Read to me, Rem.” He asked, putting his chin on his shoulder and looking at him with his pleading grey eyes. Remus didn't stand a chance, still, he tried.

“Are you sure you won't be too bored?” 

“I'm already bored anyway” he shrugged and the other one was screwed.

So he spent half the afternoon reading Rimbaud to Sirius, enjoying the pertinent comments he made about the poems, and falling more and more in love with him. 

Maybe that was the exact moment he realized how far he had fallen.

Or maybe it was when he saw the fire's flames dancing on his face, lighting up the grey eyes, as he sang with his guitar that night. Because, of course, Sirius damn Black knew how to play the guitar. And, of course, he could sing too. Yeah, maybe that's when his stomach twisted in ways it never did before, he finally realized how much he was in love with Sirius.

*

If Remus had to think about a time he did feel alive, like he had an actual purpose on Earth, he'd choose the second night of that trip. The night Sirius decided he didn't want to sleep in the tent, because it was too hot, which Remus was thankful for because he honestly didn't trust himself around Sirius' smell anymore. So he let himself convinced to sleep under the stars. He didn't show a lot of resistance because he would have followed his friend anywhere. Sirius didn't even want to sleep and, since he had spent half of his day sleeping in the sun, looking like a fallen angel, Remus understood. But he, on the other hand, needed the sleep. So they took their sleeping bags outside and went away from their little camp, wanting to be far from Peter's snorts and James and Lily's _“disgusting”_ giggles. 

They found what Sirius proclaimed as the "perfect" spot and Remus was no one to disagree. They set up their sleeping bags and Remus tried to put his as far as he could without looking suspicious. But Sirius, who never understood the primary concept of privacy, kept bringing his closer. So Remus eventually gave up. 

"Don't you think it's beautiful, Remus?" Sirius asked as they were lying under the stars, way too close for Remus' sake. "The stars?"

Remus gently smiled. He knew Sirius' knowledge of astronomy came from his family and he'd always been surprised to see that was the one thing he didn't kill from his childhood.

"It is" he admitted softly and, just because he felt he could, he added, "you seem so happy, Sirius, it's nice to see."

He could barely see the grey eyes through the darkness but he could tell they were shinning. 

"I feel so good Remus", he said in a whisper, "honestly I didn't even know I could find that much happiness, I had no idea I could deserve it. I have James, and the Potters and they are so caring, so nice."

He paused for a second, looking at nothing like if he was actually considering his luck. Then, he turned his face to him. So close, he could feel his breath on his skin. It was intoxicating. Painfully good.

"And I have you." 

And Remus had never wanted to kiss him more. Because he was lying next to him, obscenely happy and Remus thought, maybe if he kissed him, he could steal a bit of that happiness for himself. Maybe, it would end his pain, kill the poison. Maybe it would only feel good.

But Sirius had always been far more confident that's why he was the one who actually did the kissing. He reached for Remus' curls and pushed them from his face. His thumb softly caressed his lower lip and, this time, Remus was sure the eyes were sparkling. Sirius took his chin between his two fingers and, slowly, he moved his head toward Remus'. He took his time, giving him the chance to pull away at any second but he didn't want to pull away. Not now or not ever. 

So they kissed. So they collapsed. 

And it was so sweet, so tender, Remus almost cried. He had never felt so loved. Sirius was not only kissing him, but he was also telling him, shouting, how much he loved him. So Remus pulled him closer and allowed his fingers to run in the dark hair. It was not just a kiss, it was a beginning. And like everything Sirius did, it was intense. Because Sirius was intense. Remus knew very well he was burning. He could feel the fire on his skin, inside his chest. He knew very well he was burning but he couldn't care less. He didn't know what love was supposed to be, that's not the kind of things you know at seventeen, but he thought, if that was love, he wanted to be in love for the rest of his life. Cause that was the first time, the only time, he realized he was alive. He felt alive. 

" I love you," he said, as soon as their lips separated, afraid he'd never get the chance to say it again. 

He'd never heard his heart beating so fast. It was so loud, he was worried it covered his voice. 

Sirius looked surprised, causing Remus' heart to stop, but smiled anyway. "I love you too, Rem." 

And they kissed again. They spent the whole night kissing and discovering each other's body with the moon and the stars for only witnesses. They kissed and they loved each other in ways Remus didn't even know existed. In ways he never dared to imagine could exist. 

He felt like he was the ball of lighting now. Like he would be the one exploding because of all these feelings. They were so many things screaming inside of his chest. His whole world was right there, under the night sky. There was nothing more he could have wanted and there was nothing more he could have dreamed of.

The next morning, when they went back to the others, hands linked, everyone applauded, as if they had won a price somehow. And, maybe they did, Remus thought, as he watched Sirius making ridiculous funny faces with James in front of Peter's camera. Maybe he did win the best price he could have asked for. And surely, given by her gaze full of tenderness, Lily thought the same about James. 

What a beautiful pair of idiots they made. What a perfect pair of fools they had found. 

He took the time to look at his friends around the fire that night, very carefully, as if he was seeing them for the first time. He took the time to feel the warmth in his heart as he was sitting with them. He took the time to acknowledge he felt _happy_. He had found where he belonged and that meant everything when you were a seventeen lost boy.

He realized, as he held back his tears, they were his _family_.

**

If Remus had to find the time when it all went wrong, he'd choose the night James and Lily died. A rainy night, of course, he had to be a rainy one. A cold one. A drunk driver. A forgotten redlight.

He'd choose the broken look in Sirius' eyes when the doctor came out of the operation room dark face, no words needed. He'd choose the desperate scream that escaped Sirius' mouth when he realized he'd lost his other brother. He'd choose the blood on Sirius' fist, echoing the one on the white wall. He'd choose the gasps of the nurses, begging him to stop. He'd choose the defeated way Sirius' legs gave in, as if they just couldn't carry him anymore, making him fall in the middle of the hospital corridor, bearly breathing. 

He'd choose the panic in his own chest, the fear irradiating his body, as doctors were rushing around Sirius to make sure he was alright. He'd choose the ache in his heart when he realized he had not only lost his best friends that night but that, by losing them, he had also lost his lover. 

"Lily was pregnant" was the first, and only, thing Sirius said when they got back to their flat. 

Remus nodded because he already knew. Because he was the first to know, the first to notice. Because the boys were too careless to notice. Because Lily had cried in his arms, so scared, not knowing if she was ready to be a mother, not knowing if she would be a good one, so scared she'd waste that kid's life. And because Remus had held her with all his strength and promised she'll be the best mother they could ask for, promised she'll be fine, promised they'll be there. Always. 

There was, on the bedroom wall, a photograph from that very summer. The morning of that very night. Not so long ago but it seemed so far away now. They were all on the photograph, a blurry Peter at the front, trying to get on the picture after setting up the camera. A smiling Sirius, arms around Remus' shoulders, eyes sparkling brighter than any star and messy hair, still wet from his last swim. A happy James, filled with pride and joy, standing between his best friend and the love of his life, one arm around her waist. A bright lily, that couldn't even help the smile on her face because she was too happy to pretend she wasn't. Because they were _all_ so happy, even him, pressed against the man he loved, shyly trying to hide of the hickeys that popped on his neck. 

Yeah, they were happy. 

Because they were seventeen and they thought they had their whole life in front of them. Because they were too young to realize how precious this moment was. 

Remus nodded again because he couldn't talk. 

Because they weren't seventeen anymore. Because they were still supposed to be young and, yet, he had never felt so old.

After that night, all that was left of their lives started to crumble. Maybe it was crumbling for a while and they were too blind to see it. Or maybe Sirius' decision to sabotage his own life started their fall. 

Cause, no matter how hard Remus tried, he just couldn't stop Sirius' storm.

*

If Remus had to choose the moment his life ended, he'd say it was when Sirius' did. When he got that call from the hospital, reliving a night he'd rather have forgotten. "Overdose" he somehow managed to hear above his inner screams. That night the world opened beneath his feet. That night everything he had tried so hard to build fell down to pieces. That night he didn't even have Sirius' arms to run to and comfort him. He couldn't help thinking he should have known. Because he knew that would eventually happen, he just decided to ignore it.

He knew Sirius wasn't alright, he hadn't been in years, not since the accident. Instead, he chose to focus on the eleven-year-old Sirius who came to his bed in the middle of the night after a nightmare. He chose to focus on the fifteen-year-old Sirius who had whispered, in the middle of their dormitory, on a confession night, _“I think I'm gay, guys, and it's so scary.”_ . He chose to focus on the seventeen-year-old Sirius who kissed him under the stars, repeating endlessly, as a prier _“I love you, Rem, I love you.”._ He chose to focus on the twenty-one-year-old Sirius who fought him about their new curtains' color, cause “ _come on Rem, this is important!”_. 

He chose to focus on the light Sirius had been instead of the dark sky he became. 

And maybe it was selfish, maybe it was wrong, but he couldn't help himself. It was self-preservation. It was him, trying to get a degree, wanting to be a teacher. And it was Sirius, going out late every night, coming back drunk or high or both. And it was Remus, trying to take care of a Sirius who had _almost_ lost everything.

Maybe he should have been surprised when he got that call, maybe it should have hurt less, knowing that would happen. But, maybe, there was no way you could be prepared for the loss of the love of your life.

Sirius had always been his Sun, brightening his darkest days, but, like the star he'd always been, he had to explode. 

And like Remus had always feared, the blow took him down too.

**

If Remus could choose his last thought, the one last thing he'd feel before dying, he would choose memories from that summer. He'd choose the warmth of Sirius' lips on his. The ugly laugh of Lily, laughing at a bad joke James made. The sound of Peter's camera, capturing those moments, freezing them, making them believe it would last forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! I broke my own heart writing this.  
> It would be nice if you could comment or leave kudos, thank you for reading <3


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